god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
