Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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