OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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