I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
