Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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