My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
