Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
