I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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