dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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