even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am available for nakedness
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
