Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
