I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
