I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
