No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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