apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
