Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize