OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
