I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm jealous of your bromance
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
