If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
