This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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