please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
