look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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