I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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