Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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