yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
