Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
