i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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