rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
