I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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