I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You can't just leave with hair like that
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
