I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
