sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My balls are so social today.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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