dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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