I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
