it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
