im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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