we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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