I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
