No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
so much tequila, so little girl.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
