you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize