I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
