WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
