the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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