woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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