i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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