Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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