insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
