I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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