onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
