She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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