Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
