i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
