i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
