My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
