a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
