You really coming over, don't trick.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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