If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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