I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I could make wine with my vomit
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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