I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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