Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
