I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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