Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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