I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
