I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
