am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
