i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
