im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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