Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
