Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
