oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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