There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize