my soul wont recognize me after tonight
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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