Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
