i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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